I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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