his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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