She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
