Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
