Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I AM VODKA MAN
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
