Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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