How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
