I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
