Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
