I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I love having hate sex.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
my liver is dry heaving
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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