Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
