70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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