tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
