my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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