When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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