Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
