I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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