What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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