I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
