My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
