Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
