He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
