I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
