they need to just BURY HIM!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
