genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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