I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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