like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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