i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
