no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
