her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
