i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
