i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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