Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize