Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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