clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
