A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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