my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize