if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize