how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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