i already hear my dad disowning me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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