i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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