The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
