Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
