I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I am puke
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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