u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
