I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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