Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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