I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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