My sheets look like a crime scene.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize