so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
