Im at strip club and am horny
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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