pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
