How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
