Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
