Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
