Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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