My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
